One of the things I have struggled with since I was very young has been looking people in the eye. I have consciously been acting on remedying this behavior over the years, but some days it's still tough. I was listening to a podcast this morning and it triggered something in my mind.
I had believed that by averting my eyes I could protect myself from anyone seeing who I really was. That if anyone saw this dark, horrible, fraud, then there was no possible way they could love or accept me. The truth is, the things I carried shame from were from when I was a child and young adult learning about life. They are things that I would forgive any child for doing, so why is it so different when it's about me? Why should I be so lucky to be exempt from making mistakes, and then have the luxury of beating myself up over it?
All of us are included in the experience of being human together, and part of that experience includes the discomforts of being human as well. I honestly believe that all of us make the best choices available to us at the time. All of us want to love an be loved, to be seen, and to connect with each other. However, not all of us are given the same set of tools in how to make good choices depending on the experiences in our lives. So we make mistakes, we learn, and we try again. There are no rules to this experience of life, and often we get hurt, hurt each other along the way, and over time may start to feel shame and unworthiness.
The podcast stated that when we see the beauty in another, we become a mirror for that person to see the beauty in themselves. We become a light, to show them the beauty and the truth of who they really are. To see the beauty in another is to see the Buddha in yourself. How I see this, is that if I am to be really true to my beliefs, it is my duty look people in the eye, to let them and me be seen. It is my, and our, responsibility to be a light for those around us to help them see their own perfect Buddha nature. If we allow ourselves to become a light, we give others permission to shine themselves.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
We are the ones we've been waiting for...
I read an excerpt from "Meditations from the Mat," which has a quote from a Hopi elder from the 1999 Summer Solstice in Arizona that has been on my mind lately. It said:
"There is a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. Know that the river has its destination. The elders say we must push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above water. See who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves; banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. We are the ones we've been waiting for."
What I find so compelling about this statement is the truth behind it. We can all feel the restlessness within our own lives. Something is happening to everyone I talk to. The feeling that there must be something more, that life has to mean more than going to a decent paying job everyday, buying more things, and present ourselves as successful beings only to come home empty and depleted. Living lives of quiet desperation. Each and everyone of us knows deep inside that we are meant for more, if we could just find the courage to step into the canoe and see what magic lies ahead. If we could let go of our need to to hold onto our egos, our need for control, and lay our trust into the universe and each other.
I know that if each one of us started taking small steps towards the canoe, we would become a light unto each other. Giving all those around us the permission to also take risks, and consequently to shine even brighter. The time is now, we are the ones we've been waiting for.
"There is a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. Know that the river has its destination. The elders say we must push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above water. See who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves; banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. We are the ones we've been waiting for."
What I find so compelling about this statement is the truth behind it. We can all feel the restlessness within our own lives. Something is happening to everyone I talk to. The feeling that there must be something more, that life has to mean more than going to a decent paying job everyday, buying more things, and present ourselves as successful beings only to come home empty and depleted. Living lives of quiet desperation. Each and everyone of us knows deep inside that we are meant for more, if we could just find the courage to step into the canoe and see what magic lies ahead. If we could let go of our need to to hold onto our egos, our need for control, and lay our trust into the universe and each other.
I know that if each one of us started taking small steps towards the canoe, we would become a light unto each other. Giving all those around us the permission to also take risks, and consequently to shine even brighter. The time is now, we are the ones we've been waiting for.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Angels in disguise
I believe angels walk among us, white knights and fairies too. I really do. There is real magic in this world if you only open your eyes. Only last week I encountered an angel...
I have been teaching 20 classes a week for almost 2 years now, most people say I am crazy, and some days I feel it too, and lately more than I'd like to. I had been feeling burnt out, uninspired, and sick of my own voice, and then...like magic, poof!...an angel walked into my life! After class last week, I was chatting with one of my very wonderful students, and she had asked me what else I do for work. The conversation went something like this:
I laughed, "This is all I do for work, I teach yoga full time."
"You mean you get to do this everyday? You get to be in this space, immersed in yoga all the time?"
"Yeah...I guess I do," I said smiling.
"Oh, my gosh! You are so lucky! I get to come here for an hour, when I can fit it in to my life. You get to live this stuff everyday!"
"Its true, I really do."
And that's when I got it. I mean I REALLY got it. I suddenly had a vision of me a few years ago, struggling in my life, unhappy, and wishing that I could live a life aligned with my values, where I was using my body, and helping others to realize amazing lives for themselves. I realized, that I had literally done a 180 degree turn from where my life was, to where it is now, and I am currently living my dream that I had wished for and more. Isn't that remarkable? What I had wanted, my deepest hearts desire, is here, right now, as my life, and I couldn't see it for what it was.
What my angel had done, is succeed in waking me up to the wonderment and beauty of my life. I had such a profound experience of gratitude, for my lovely student (who is surely my teacher as well), and for the life I was living. Its true, I 'get' to do this yoga thing everyday, I 'get' to live its philosophy, I 'get' to live my life on my terms, and I can also 'get' to appreciate how wonderful it is as long as I can keep my eyes open to it.
I have been teaching 20 classes a week for almost 2 years now, most people say I am crazy, and some days I feel it too, and lately more than I'd like to. I had been feeling burnt out, uninspired, and sick of my own voice, and then...like magic, poof!...an angel walked into my life! After class last week, I was chatting with one of my very wonderful students, and she had asked me what else I do for work. The conversation went something like this:
I laughed, "This is all I do for work, I teach yoga full time."
"You mean you get to do this everyday? You get to be in this space, immersed in yoga all the time?"
"Yeah...I guess I do," I said smiling.
"Oh, my gosh! You are so lucky! I get to come here for an hour, when I can fit it in to my life. You get to live this stuff everyday!"
"Its true, I really do."
And that's when I got it. I mean I REALLY got it. I suddenly had a vision of me a few years ago, struggling in my life, unhappy, and wishing that I could live a life aligned with my values, where I was using my body, and helping others to realize amazing lives for themselves. I realized, that I had literally done a 180 degree turn from where my life was, to where it is now, and I am currently living my dream that I had wished for and more. Isn't that remarkable? What I had wanted, my deepest hearts desire, is here, right now, as my life, and I couldn't see it for what it was.
What my angel had done, is succeed in waking me up to the wonderment and beauty of my life. I had such a profound experience of gratitude, for my lovely student (who is surely my teacher as well), and for the life I was living. Its true, I 'get' to do this yoga thing everyday, I 'get' to live its philosophy, I 'get' to live my life on my terms, and I can also 'get' to appreciate how wonderful it is as long as I can keep my eyes open to it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Who am I?
After teaching tonight, I was in the shower, my mind racing with what I would write as my first post. I mean, this is my introduction of me to the virtual world, and what I say could have drastic implications on how my blog is viewed....right?
So, my thoughts started going to how do I introduce myself...who am I? Everything I thought of to describe myself started to feel inadequate. I could introduce a physical description: 31 years old, 5'3", blond hair, blue eyes; I could introduce my vocations: yoga and JourneyDance instructor, Wellness Coach and workshop facilitator; my life's intentions: to live joyously, with meaning, and help others do the same; but how would I introduce me and what aspects are relevant?
We all have experienced different aspects of ourselves that show up in different places and different times. Some, have an aspect that is our "work me", or "party me", "yoga me", "spouse me", and the list goes on. I started thinking of when I used to work in bars, and the "bar me" was an extremely fun, flirtatious, easy going party girl. I was always happy, had something witty to say, and was very interested in everything you...my patron. I stopped making friends with my patrons because they soon realized that once I was out of uniform, out of my environment, I was a much more quiet, introspective person with some pretty intense philosophies of the world. I was tired of feeling that I was disappointing them so I just stopped making friends at work. I had no idea how to merge these two parts of me to be an authentic representation of who I was.
Then when I started teaching yoga, I finally felt like I could rest into who I really was. But in fact, I started to feel as though I now had to fit into a different role. One in which I had to be wholesome, spiritual, practice daily,and not drink booze. It was a lot of pressure to be this yogini I thought I had to be. Especially coming from the complete opposite environment in my past. The interesting thing is, as I actually started living my truth, speaking my truth, and being my truth, none of that mattered anymore. As the duplicity or even multiplicity, of who I was merged into one whole being I actually became more wholesome and spiritual, practicing daily became a part of my daily ritual, and I no longer care to have a few drinks to let go, because there's no longer anything to let go of.
So, how do I want myself introduced? My name is Tina, I'm a young woman with big dreams, with an open heart, a lot of faith, and just trying to figure it all out. Nice to meet you.
So, my thoughts started going to how do I introduce myself...who am I? Everything I thought of to describe myself started to feel inadequate. I could introduce a physical description: 31 years old, 5'3", blond hair, blue eyes; I could introduce my vocations: yoga and JourneyDance instructor, Wellness Coach and workshop facilitator; my life's intentions: to live joyously, with meaning, and help others do the same; but how would I introduce me and what aspects are relevant?
We all have experienced different aspects of ourselves that show up in different places and different times. Some, have an aspect that is our "work me", or "party me", "yoga me", "spouse me", and the list goes on. I started thinking of when I used to work in bars, and the "bar me" was an extremely fun, flirtatious, easy going party girl. I was always happy, had something witty to say, and was very interested in everything you...my patron. I stopped making friends with my patrons because they soon realized that once I was out of uniform, out of my environment, I was a much more quiet, introspective person with some pretty intense philosophies of the world. I was tired of feeling that I was disappointing them so I just stopped making friends at work. I had no idea how to merge these two parts of me to be an authentic representation of who I was.
Then when I started teaching yoga, I finally felt like I could rest into who I really was. But in fact, I started to feel as though I now had to fit into a different role. One in which I had to be wholesome, spiritual, practice daily,and not drink booze. It was a lot of pressure to be this yogini I thought I had to be. Especially coming from the complete opposite environment in my past. The interesting thing is, as I actually started living my truth, speaking my truth, and being my truth, none of that mattered anymore. As the duplicity or even multiplicity, of who I was merged into one whole being I actually became more wholesome and spiritual, practicing daily became a part of my daily ritual, and I no longer care to have a few drinks to let go, because there's no longer anything to let go of.
So, how do I want myself introduced? My name is Tina, I'm a young woman with big dreams, with an open heart, a lot of faith, and just trying to figure it all out. Nice to meet you.
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