Everything We Really Want

I underwent a surgery a week and a half ago which turned out to be more than I had bargained for. Originally it was supposed to be a small procedure with a recovery period of 1-2 days. Upon surgery, the doctor felt the original procedure wouldn't change the issue and chose to do a dissection instead.

All of my discharge material was to support me in recovering from the original procedure, and the information of how to care for myself was very helpful. However, because it said I was supposed to be better in 1-2 days I fully expected that, and everyday that I wasn't recovering and the pain was still unbearable, I suffered more and more. Not just physically, but in my head because I was expecting to already be better, and my heart wept.

The last couple of weeks have been full of chronic pain, medication, small indignities, and a lot of unknowns. I couldn't sit, drive, or lay down with my knees bent, my appetite was diminished, and my mobility was extremely compromised. My usual coping mechanisms of physical activity weren't possible, and then I got sick. It's amazing where the mind goes when there is no anchor. Because I had no idea what was going on, all kinds of terrifying images would fly through my mind: that this may be permanent, and I was terrified that my healthy, active, happy world was about to collapse.

I was squeezed into an appointment this morning to see my specialist, and she advised me that because the dissection was a much more invasive procedure the recovery time would be probably six weeks. SIX WEEKS not 1-2 days. I had spent the last week and a half in pain and terrified of my future, when in fact, this is probably normal. I just wasn't told.

What if I had known? The pain and discomfort would still have been there, but I would have expected it. I could have mentally prepared myself for what was to come post-op, and allowed it to be, instead of feeling the frustration of why it wasn't healing and that there was something larger that was wrong. Right?

I don't think so. The stories of my body being damaged or failing me, didn't really have to draw me in and take over my world. I didn't have to buy into it. We never really know outcomes anyways. Everything changes all of the time, that's the only constant. So, when I look back at what I really wanted: to be healthy. The reason why I wanted to be healthy was the the same reason anyone would, it was so I could be: happy, peaceful, loving. But those were already there. They are for all of us all of the time when we open ourselves to the moment standing before us, without expectation, and with our wide arms open to acceptance. Our conditions are our conditions, but they don't have to influence the abundance of joy, love and peace that are there when we can just stop. Stop the stories of our fears, our wanting; of things, others, ourselves to be different than they are.

Everything we really want is right here. All the time.